My Life In Three Parts

If you read these pages with any regularity, you know that I’m in the process of going through all my crap, downsizing, getting rid of stuff and reevaluating where I want my life to go. It’s been interesting seeing how far I’ve come in some areas and how far I haven’t come in others.

Since I rarely throw anything out (until recently), I’ve come across lists of New Year’s Resolutions or Goals & Achievements going back decades. Sadly, there is a sameness to them.

Some of these have dated back to the seventies. There are three major themes running through these rather sad lists and with them, I can boil my need to improve life into three major categories: my health (weight), my finances and my clutter. Everything I feel I need to change or improve in my life falls under one of these three categories.

I could probably pare these down even more, since these all seem to be connected. But then everything in life is connected, isn’t it?

For example, I like to eat out and do it way more than I should for both my pocketbook and my waistline. One of the main reasons eating out is so desirous is that it’s too hard to fix something myself, because my kitchen is almost always a mess. My lack of housekeeping skills falls under “clutter” because I don’t know what I have, I have no clear counter space to prep food and I don’t know where things go, hence the crowded counters.

I buy things I don’t need, in and out of the kitchen, because I can’t find what I already have. I end up sitting and watching TV and snacking while I do it because I don’t have the cleared up space to work on art or craft projects. I have too many scrapbooking supplies to actually do any scrapbooking.

So what am I doing about it?

Slowly but steadily I am going through stuff, getting rid of stuff, and finding homes for stuff.

I’m making an effort to finish what I start, be it dishes and laundry or that hooked rug I started decades ago.

I’m getting off the couch more often, resulting in more exercise and less mess.

I’m really trying to be aware of what I’m doing, so less mindless eating, less binge buying, more seeing what’s around me.

Most importantly, I remind myself that this is a process and a journey. It took me 65 years to become this person, and most of her is pretty awesome. I’m working on the not-so-awesome stuff, three categories at a time.

Looking Backward, Looking Forward

It’s the first Monday of December, and I can’t help but think about what I want to accomplish in 2017 and what went down in 2016.

This year was kind of sucky. First, there was the battle with depression–my own, family members and friends. It seemed like there was a lot of it going around. People struggle, and yes, the struggle is real.

Lots of people died this year: entertainers I admired, writers, acquaintances I miss. Leonard Cohen’s death hit me hardest. I thought he’d live forever, eventually becoming some benign Buddhist demigod, always present with his poetry and his music.

Lots and lots of political unrest, things I thought had been settled back in the 60s and 70s. It looks like we’ll be fighting these issues all over again. I worry for my biracial granddaughter, for my great-grandson with Down’s Syndrome, for my gay and lesbian friends and for all the young women for whom reproductive rights are so very relevant.

For my own mental wellness, I try not to dwell on things I have no control over. I can’t help anyone’s depression but my own, so I’ll be working on that. I have no control over life and death, so I’ll concentrate on loving the people I love, and not taking tomorrow for granted.

Politically and socially, I’ll stay aware and informed, and make my voice heard in the guise of letters and other communiques voicing my opinions and my concerns to my elected officials. I won’t stand by silently and let someone be bullied.

I’ll pick up trash, even if it’s not mine.

For me, personally, I look forward to 2017. Instead of my normal, and highly undoable, list of resolutions, I’m going to concentrate on three things: my health, my finances and my clutter. These are the things I struggle with the most and that have the most impact on my life.

It’s going to be an interesting year!

 

 

Scary, Scary, Scary

Life is scary, no doubt about that, and some of us are more scared than others.

I’m braver than I used to be.

As a child, I was afraid to talk to people. I was afraid of confrontation. I was afraid my friends would see my drunken father. I was afraid that my mother, who didn’t seem to be afraid of anything other than running out of cigarettes, would embarrass me. I was afraid of spiders and that my dog would die.

As a teenager, I was afraid of looking foolish. I was afraid of dying a virgin, and of getting pregnant. I was afraid that my breasts would never grow, that my face would never clear, that I’d never be loved.

As an adult, I was afraid I’d lose my job, then lose my house. I was afraid I’d die alone. I was afraid of axe murderers, of rapists, of Atomic wars. I was afraid of fucking up.

Now, I’m still afraid of dying alone and I don’t like bugs, but the other stuff, not so much. Well okay, let’s be honest. I’m still afraid of confrontations.

I have concerns, sure. And I take precautions, such as locking my car doors when I drive and not walking around alone after dark. I don’t get drunk in public or open emails from people I don’t know. I don’t over share on social media.

I try not to be afraid. Fear stagnates. It keeps a person from trying. It actually gives us permission not to try.

I was afraid of writing because I was too young, too fat, too white, too middle class, too dull, too moderate. To uninformed. I was afraid of taking up too much space.

I was afraid to excel, because maybe I couldn’t. If I tried my best, what if that wasn’t good enough. It was the same with finding love. What if I lost weight, got rid of the pimples, learned to talk to people and still no one would love me.

I have friends who won’t open their drapes, because someone might look at them. One friend sees portents of death in the cawing of crows. She dreads Halloween, because someone always dies. Not someone she knows necessarily, just someone, somewhere.

Fear kills. How many people don’t see a doctor for that irregular mole or persistent cough because not knowing is less scary than finding out that something is real. Waiting until it’s too late.

Life is scary, that’s for sure, but now that I’m in my 60’s, here’s my thing: I’m not going to be afraid of things I can’t control. I refuse to be afraid of terrorists. Or Ebola. Or even zombies and Donald Trump.

I’ll stay afraid of June bugs, because they’re nasty and creepy and I can kill them. Eventually. Even though they crunch, which really icks me out. I’ll keep the exterminator, because he keeps me safe from mice and spiders. I’ll shred documents with my name on them, and keep my virus protection current, both in me and my devices.

I’m no longer afraid about being too fat to write or be seen in public or get a massage or have an opinion.

I’ll work on the fat thing for my knees and my health, not because I want someone to like me. I’ll be prudent, and mostly careful.

But I won’t be scared.

 

New Month, New Beginnings

In my previous blog post, I talked about the first two items on this year’s Goals and Objectives, those being working on my business, Grandma Friday, and getting healthy.

The first of my six objectives is to decide what I’m doing with Grandma Friday. That decision has been made, at least for now. Grandma Friday is a blog. Haven’t done so well with the first goal under that objective, which is to post at least weekly. But it’s a new month, which is a new beginning, and here’s a new post!

Second objective is to get healthy, and I’ve done a lot better with many of the goals under that one. I’m going to water aerobics at least twice a week, usually three times. I’m working on the weight machines twice a week, and I’m going to a beginning Tai Chi class once a week. I’m keeping a food diary. I’m planning my meals ahead of time. I’m drinking at least a half gallon of water a day. Since just before Christmas, I’ve lost 24 pounds. So yay me!

This hasn’t been as difficult as it has in previous attempts, I think, because this time I’m putting me first. What a concept. It’s taken me 62 years to convince myself that I’m worth putting myself before everyone else. My needs count.

It’s one of the things I learned from being a first, first responder for a decade: I can’t help anyone else if I don’t help myself first. I’m not being selfish, I’m being smart.

And that brings me to my third objective: Putting my financial house in order. The first goal under that is to keep track of spending. <sigh> That lasted maybe two weeks. But I’m starting again now. Other financial goals: paying bills on time so as not to get dinged with penalties, have been a bit more successful. Of course, it’s only been one month.

I have paid off one credit card and just made the final payment on my car. Next month, I’ll be able to start the debt snowball that financial guru Dave Ramsey talks about. I’ll take the next card with the lowest balance and apply those two payments, along with that card’s minimum payment to it, until it’s paid off. And so on. I’m excited.

Money is not easy for me to get a handle on. I’m an impulse buyer. I love eating at restaurants. I especially love hanging with friends and eating at restaurants. I love going through catalogs, highlighting all the stuff I want to buy, and then picking up the phone and buying it.

It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve stopped reading catalogs—well, most of them anyway. A catalog comes in the mail and gets dropped into the recycle bin. I’ve almost paid off my one clothing store credit card, and want to keep it at a zero balance once that happens. And I don’t want to buy anymore clothes until I’ve lost enough inches to comfortably wear the stuff I’ve already got hanging in my closets. Most especially, I don’t want to bring anymore clutter into my already cluttered house, and that falls under Objective #5, and that’s for another post.

Wait, what about the friends and eating out thing? I still eat out with friends, but because I’m writing all of my food intake down, I’m less likely to order wine and fries and dessert. Or the breaded, deep-fried chicken nuggets that I so dearly love. One of those, maybe, but not all.

And so, the journey continues.

Resolutions

I think that everyone makes New Year’s resolutions, even when they say they don’t. It’s human nature to look at the beginning of something—a year for example—as a good time for personal beginnings.

I call my resolutions “Goals and Objectives.” Most of the companies I’ve worked for did yearly goals and objectives, and I’ve always liked the sound of it. A goal is something one strives for, so it’s not like breaking a resolution if I order fries with that oh, so healthy veggie burger. Right?

Probably because I have an unhealthy relationship with lists, my G&Os are broken into six major categories: Grandma Friday (the business), Health, Money, Writing, Clutter and Home, and Me.

I believe that all these things are connected, so there is a lot of crossover, and that’s okay. They’re my G&Os, so I can overlap and connect as much as I’d like. And that’s okay, too.

My main objective with Grandma Friday is to decide what it is I want to do with it. Is it a business? Or is it a blog? Both? I want to figure that out. And I will, eventually. Right now, the business part of it is mostly on hold. I say mostly, because if something fun or interesting comes up, I’m in. I’ve got a few house & dog sitting gigs scheduled. That falls under fun. And I may be doing some research and/or writing for a friend and former employer who’s looking to launch a really interesting sounding business. That’s interesting.

The immediate Grandma goal is to blog regularly, at least once a week. Since we’re already heading into the third week of January, I’m a little behind. But hey, it’s a goal, right?

The major objective under the Health category is to get healthier. I’m done with goals such as “lose weight,” because it just doesn’t happen. If in the course of getting healthier some pounds disappear, well then hooray for me. In the meantime, I’m working on tangibles like continuing going to water aerobics three times a week. I’m also starting weight training with the help of a personal trainer. And I started going to a tai chi class at one of the senior centers. All good.

There’s more, of course. I’ve only mentioned two of my six categories. The other four can wait for another blog. Just know I’m working on things. And really, isn’t it the journey that counts?